Not a policeman



I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I remember a day in kindergarten my teacher had me and my classmates say what we wanted to be when we grew up.  I was looking around nervously for the SAHM card.  I didn't see one.  The only jobs they had listed were the typical teacher, nurse, doctor, fireman, policeman, etcetera.  My classmates seemed so sure of their choices and started coloring their careers with confidence.  My best friend chose nurse.  I didn't want to copy her, so what was I left with?  Yep you guessed it...POLICEMAN.  If you know me at all this is so hilarious.  I'm laughing right now just thinking about it.

 

When I was around nine I asked my dad what he thought of me becoming a teacher.  He asked me, "Why would you want to be with other peoples kids all day?  No, I don't think you'd like it."  He responded with such surety, I decided right then to take that off my list of career possibilities.  (He's so right too, I've substitute taught a few times and all I have to say is kudos to all you teachers out there...I could not do your job!)  I'm still waiting for the day they have a degree in Motherhood.  Sign me up for an honorary degree in that.

 

One thing is sure though, I'd only thought of myself as a mother to babies.  I'm a sucker for babies.  I dreamed about the day I would have my own.  I was my youngest sister's 2nd mom.  I cuddled, loved and kissed on my nieces and nephews.  Once they became toddlers my sister Hannah took over.  

Eventually I had my own babies...

 

 

 Aunt Beka & Uncle Tyler's wedding May 2012 ( Taylor's 15 months)

Las Vegas Feb 2012 (Taylor's 9 months)

Taylor's 6 month pics (Oct. 2011)

Father's Day (Blake's 3 months)

Baseball game in Peoria, IL (Blake's 5 months)

Family pictures Sept 2013 (Blake's 6 months)

 



I LOVED it! (Most of the time)   I really enjoyed the baby stage.  I felt like I had a good handle on this "motherhood" thing.  My daughter would sing to my son.  I was on top of the house work and I was in shape (ok breastfeeding helped).  It was going smooth until Blake hit 18 months and Taylor hit the terrific I mean TERRIBLE 3's.  Then I was no longer a mommy to babies.  I had become a mother to TWO toddlers.

 

No judgment!  Brett made me capture Taylor's tantrum to show her later.

Ok, so I clearly don't have it under control anymore, whatever "it" was.  I think mostly it was my kids.  During that stage (just a few months ago actually) I was also struggling with depression.  Or was my "career" depressing me?  I don't know, but I'm sure there's a lot that contributed to my low time.  I might even have SAD, because who doesn't get depressed during the winter months here?  My low time also coincided directly with hunting season...hmmm.  Actually, I know most of it was the birth control pill I was trying.  Not taking that one again!  My OB doctor spoke at MOPS this morning on women's health.  She said 20-25% of women will struggle with depression at some point in their life.   If you're reading this and struggling with depression talk to someone about it.  Being open about my depression with family and close friends helped me more than anything else.  Girlfriends, you are not alone!

Anyways, back to my kids.  When did they become toddlers?  When did they go from my sweet, smiling, fun, and googling babies to crying and screaming toddlers? 

Motherhood is feeling pretty swagger with newly painted nails only to look down and see that they are all smudged.  It's the moment when you've swept the floors, mopped, dusted, and vacuumed only to find your 3 year old has dumped nail polish on the carpet, the white towels, and on her little brother's face.  It's folding your clothes upstairs and then rushing downstairs because it's too quiet, then seeing the entire basement "decorated" with permanent marker (including little brother's face).  It's the feeling of complete unravel and utter exhaustion and then your daughter hugs you and says, "Mommy we love you so much."  It's holding the clean toddlers after bath time.  It's singing to them every night, then one night they sing along.  It's watching your two year old son sit quietly reading his bible.  It's being content with chaos all around you and sitting still so they can "do" your hair.  People, this is why I don't brush my hair!!!!!

I'm learning it is the everyday moments that capture my heart.  I'm learning to engage my children by playing with them.  I'm learning that it's ok to take them out in public, even to places where I know they will likely have melt downs and tantrums (just don't look at my red face and let me leave in peace).  I'm working on teaching them manners.  I'm learning to get excited over the things that excite them.  Cotton balls, glue, markers, Easter eggs, and any other random item you can find.  I'm learning how to discipline thanks to Dr. Dobson's Strong Willed Child book (more on that later).  I'm learning how to be a mom to toddlers and they are showing me it is worth it.

A couple nights ago during bedtime reading, Taylor asked if she could pray for Blake to be in heaven.  Brett and I were both in the room with her and we bowed our heads as she prayed. "Dear God, I thank you that my whole family can be in heaven.  I pray that Blakey would trust in Jesus. Amen"   THIS is why I wanted to be a mommy, THIS makes it all worth it.  Thank you Lord for my Tay Tay and Blake Blake and thank you for making me their mommy and NOT a policeman!