We all struggle with it and if you say you don't...than you're lying to yourself. Still not convinced? Get married and if that doesn't do it, have kids and you'll finally understand.
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| Thanks to Aunt Hannah, we caught his "scream" perfectly. |
I've been reading
Anger, Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Dr. Gary Chapman. Let me just say, wow! I've been searching and struggling for years with this emotion and this book has been so enlightening. Most of my girl friends have heard my plug for this book and they thinks it's funny, because, "How could someone as nice as Kasey have an anger problem?" Just come stay with me for a couple days and I'm sure among Taylor's 5th tantrum of the day, or Blake's ear piercing scream...you'll see me lose it. I have my good days and my bad days, on my bad days I have to ask for forgiveness A LOT. Thank goodness His mercies are new everyday, I'm a work in a progress.
In his first chapter,
Where does Anger Come From, Dr. Chapman gives us the definition of anger from the dictionary "a strong passion or emotion of displeasure, and usually antagonism, excited by a sense of injury or insult." He explains, "although we normally think of anger as an emotion, it is in reality a cluster of emotions involving the body, the mind, and the will. I found that fascinating. Here's another quote from pg 16, "Love draws you toward the person; anger sets you against the person."
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We can't control our bodily reactions; however, we can control our mental and physical responses to anger." I did not do a good job controlling my response yesterday afternoon. Blake and Taylor found my q-tips, bobby pins, chap stick, and eye-drops from my bathroom drawer. This is exactly why I usually don't call you or answer any phone calls...because my kids will DESTROY everything. I told them calmly, "Taylor and Blake you need to pick it all up and put everything back in the boxes." Blake was "helping" a little and Taylor just defiantly kept spreading everything on the floor. I almost had everything put back, when she dumped it all back out. I told her again more firmly, you need to pick that up. I can feel myself losing patience, since this was the 27th time she's said no or not obeyed. I do spank my children when they are willfully defiant. I'm also a firm believer in lovingly instructing them to obey when they won't willingly. She looked at me and screamed and said she can't pick it up. I was very mature and screamed right back at her as loud as I could. Terrible mom moment...I blew it AGAIN. This is just one recent example, I could go on and on.
I was encouraged as I kept reading. Dr Gary Chapman says, "Anger is evidence that we are made in God's image; it demonstrates that we still have some concern for justice and righteousness in spite of our fallen estate." Granted, my reaction yesterday was not a reflection of divinity.
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| See? She's not always sweet. My kids have the "stink" face down. |
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Chapter two,
When Anger Can Do Good, talks about why God gave us this emotion. What is God's purpose in human anger? Gary says, "
Anger is designed to motivate us to take positive action when we encounter injustice." A light bulb went on when I read that. I actually got excited and for once was thankful that God gave me such a strong emotion. I honestly never thought anger was a "good" thing. Probably because most of the time I'm angry or when I see other people angry they are sinning in their anger. Why is it that anger seems to be the emotion I just gravitate toward? I come from very passionate families on both sides. It's genetic! No I'm not making excuses, but I do think there are people more prone to anger than others.
"Anger can be a powerful and positive motivator, useful to move us toward loving action to right wrongs and correct injustice-but it also can become a raging, uncontrolled force." That's often how I see myself when I'm angry, an uncontrolled force. Dr Chapman gives you five steps to handle your anger. I have this posted on my kitchen wall :)
1) Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry
2) Restrain your immediate response
3) Locate the focus of your anger
4) Analyze your options
5) Take constructive action
Number two is the one I really struggle with. I'm learning to step away when I'm "boiling." If it's toward the kids, sometimes mommy needs a time out before I discipline. If I'm mad at Brett, he knows to give me space and not keep pushing my buttons. "There is that moment before the red-hot words begin to flow that we can train ourselves to restrain that response." So I'm relearning how to react when I'm angry. I think it will take a long time, before I can say I've mastered this list. Number three was interesting, we can be so quick to be angry and not even know what we are angry about. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with that. Girls??
Chapter six is all about anger toward your spouse. Gary says,
"Love and uncontrolled anger cannot coexist. Love seeks the well-being of the spouse, while uncontrolled anger seeks to hurt and destroy." In our "newly" wed years I really struggled with this, and to be honest still do at times. Back then I would
run, read the Bible, pray, and meet once a week with my amazing mentor
(thank you Stephanie). I definitely recommend getting a mentor or someone who will help keep you accountable and ask the tough questions. I needed her so much those first two years. As I'm writing this, it makes Brett sound like a
terrible husband; that's not at all the picture I want to paint. But
marriage is an adjustment. God was definitely refining me and using
Brett to do it. We still have arguments and disagreements, but we are
WAY better at resolving them. Back to my point, I wish I would have
come across Dr. Chapman's book 7 years ago. It has given me exactly what I
wanted; six keys to anger management with your spouse. Ok Brett let's put these into practice :)
1.
Acknowledge the reality of anger, remembering that anger itself is not a sin.
2.
Agree to acknowledge anger to each other. Do not make your spouse "guess" how you're feeling.
3.
Agree that verbal or physical explosions against the other person are not appropriate reactions to anger- they will always make things worse.
4.
Agree to seek an explanation before jumping to conclusions. The person may supply valuable missing information that could change your understanding of the issue.
5.
Agree to seek resolution and reconciliation. With more information from your spouse and the fuller perspective, you are ready to find a solution satisfactory to both of you.
6.
Agree to affirm your love for each other.
I looked ahead at the next chapter and it's all about how to help your children handle anger. Pretty sure I'll be high lighting every sentence!
The apostle Paul stated it clearly when he said, "In your anger do not sin." (Ephesians 4:26) Gary follows it by saying, "The challenge is not, "Don't get angry"; the challenge is not to sin when we are angry. I've posted these verses on my bathroom mirror. This is my prayer, Lord help me when I'm angry not to sin. I want to be known for my love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, and SELF-CONTROL...Holy Spirit take over!
What do you think? I would love to hear your thoughts on anger and this book. If you've read it or have another book that you'd recommend please share.
Buy it...
Anger by: Dr. Gary Chapman.
Also check out this video by Dr. Gary Chapman,
Anger.
